Newspaper Presidential endorsements – completely useless

Saw a quick piece over at Politico.com showing off a number of front pages or editorials of newspapers from across the States and who they endorsed. Judging by where they also happen to be located, you can (usually) safely guess which way they would sway.

With the ongoing decline in print journalism and the increasing silo-isation of the media along partisan, political lines in the United States and everywhere else, you have to ask yourself, who cares if an editor does endorse a certain politician anymore? Who will actually listen to and be swayed by a newspaper with regard to their opinion on such a serious matter?

Not to be outdone, ‘America’s Finest News Source’, the Onion has also given it’s endorsement for POTUS to…former Senator John Edwards! Indeed, the Onion came to the decision after much thought and noted some of the great qualities Senator Edwards would bring to the role:

Mr. Edwards conducted a protracted extramarital affair with a younger woman while his wife was dying of cancer, and we like that he did this. Our reasons for liking that he did this are tenfold:

1. It was a brave thing to do, given the possible consequences

2. The woman in question was more attractive than Mr. Edwards’ wife

3. He did what he did without compromising his ideals, at least not to any illegal extent

4. He enjoyed himself, and good for him

5. The Onion believes sex is a natural and healthy biological function

6. Women have a weakness for men in powerful positions, and Mr. Edwards expertly exploited that weakness

7. Mr. Edwards’ “Two Americas” premise is very appealing

8. Again, his wife was dying of cancer, and thus was not an ideal partner for sexual intercourse

9. Mr. Edwards is attractive, and it is pleasing to imagine him having sexual intercourse with another attractive person

10. Every employee of this newspaper would have done the exact same thing, given the opportunity

Those who oppose John Edwards’ rightful ascent to our nation’s highest office are, in no uncertain terms, cowards and hypocrites.

They are also fools.

Of course, there may be serious consequences for all if we decide not to vote for Senator Edwards (if I was allowed to vote of course):

You would be pitting yourself against a multinational conglomerate whose yearly earnings exceed $200 billion. On top of that, you would also be taking on a media organization with nearly limitless control over information and public opinion. Pretend, if you must, that we live in a representative democracy, but the reality is that the planet is controlled by the makers of money and the makers of taste, and The Onion is both.

With the Onion’s unbiased endorsement, I wish Senator Edwards all the very best of luck!

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